Humor is food for the immune system!

 

Problem With Men

A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use(on the average)only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

What really happened in the Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??" God said an "arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???" The rest is history................

 


Female Comebacks


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

If Men Got Pregnant

If Men Got Pregnant:

Maternity leave would last two years, with full
pay.

There wuld be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1
health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100%
effective.

All children would be kept in the hospital until
toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of
clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world.

 

USS Lincoln

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous suppoert vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, thats one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is the lighthouse. It's your call.

 

Ode to a Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And my bra I always wore.

After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.

'Stand up very close' she said.
As she got my boob in line,
'And tell me when it hurts,' she said.
'Ah yes! There, that's fine.'

She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tit!

'Take a deep breath', she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

'There, that was good', I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
'Now let's have a go at the other one'.
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!

 

Brain Transplant

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

 

It has been said over and over that humor is good for the immune system. We take it one step further and say it is food for the immune system. Ladies send us your jokes or cartoons to build up your immune systems to: bcsurvivors@myrealbox.com

 

Breast Cancer Support