Take your daily laugh medicine?
Finally! Barbie Dolls we can relate to....submitted by LadyMadonna
1) Hot Flash
Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she
Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip
Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Barbie. Comes with 1/2 of Barbie's famous pointy
New Vogue Art submitted by BJ
Humor has always been one of my primary coping mechanisms when facing difficult times in my life. After my lumpectomy, I was scheduled to begin Radiation Therapy. I went to my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist and went through the standard simulation, parameter marking and tattoos outlining the area to be radiated. I am a large busted woman, so there was some significant marking to be done. That night, I was speaking to my brother, Ed, on the telephone (we have a very close family of 8 siblings) and I generally described the days events. I quipped, "I have a regular Monet on my chest!" He laughed and said, "I don't think so, I think it is a Salvador Dali"
Three Times as Much
There was a woman whose husband divorced her. One day she found a lamp, so she rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said that he would grant her 3 wishes but whatever she wished for, her husband would get 3 times as much of it as she did. So for her first wish she said, "I wish for a million dollars." Her wish was granted and her husband got 3 million dollars. This displeased her. So for her second wish she said, "I wish for a giant estate." Her second wish was granted and her husband got 3 huge estates. This really ticked her off. So she thought for a little while and finally thought of something bad for her husband and made her final wish. She said, "For my third and final wish, I wish to be pregnant with twins."
A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use(on the average)only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
What really happened in the Garden of Eden
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??" God said an "arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???" The rest is history................
I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this
place or mine?
Man: So, what
do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby,
what's your sign?
From Judy M. ..posted Jan. 9th, 2001
I bought a prosthetic after my mastectomy called a Bosom Buddy. It is suppose to be used in your normal bras without needing a pocket.
I wore it to my chemo treatment. My old bra was worn but comfortable. The elastic was a little worn. As I went to my trunk to retrieve my tape player and papers, I leaned over. When I did, I heard a plop. I looked down at my feet and there was my Bosom Buddy. Looking around to see if anyone had been watching, I picked it up. Leaning way into the trunk, I placed my Bosom Buddy back where it belong. Needless to say, I could not stop laughing on my way to my doctor's office.
Sent in by one of our member survivors
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One
day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I
read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
napkins in the bathroom. Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she
told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few
months. It is Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the
pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they
were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the Pastor came
in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped,
then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then
came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on
the table with "special occasion" napkins at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they
didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of
course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. But
Mom, YOU SAID they were for special occasions!" Take time to laugh--it is
the music of the soul!!! I hope you enjoyed this. I did.
Radiational Humor sent in by Donna G.
I spent several hours at the hospital the day I had my mark up for radiation. It seemed that on that day there were several interns being trained. First I saw the oncologist and his intern who both examined my breast, then it was downstairs to see the radiation oncologist who also examined my breast. Next I went down the hall and had photos and mark up done by 3 different men. When I got through I phoned my mom to tell her how it all went. We all had a good laugh when my response was "Well Mom, I feel sort of cheap. 7 men have touched my breasts today and none of them were my husband." Can anyone out there relate?
Sent in by Sue O
This isn't very fair but it is funny.
I remember when little grey haired old aunty's keep coming up to me and
poking me at weddings saying "you're next", well... they soon stopped when
I started to do it to them at funerals.
WOMEN'S ANTI-STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with stress that builds up during the day.
1 slice of whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
small portion lean, steamed chicken with cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Das ice cream with chocolate chip topping
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves of garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizzas
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer).
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Submitted by Cheryl D.
Ode to a Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And my bra I always wore.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.
'Stand up very close' she said.
As she got my boob in line,
'And tell me when it hurts,' she said.
'Ah yes! There, that's fine.'
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
'Take a deep breath', she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
'There, that was good', I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
'Now let's have a go at the other one'.
Lord have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
If Men Got Pregnant
If Men Got Pregnant:
Maternity leave would last two years, with full
There weld be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1
All methods of birth control would be 100%
All children would be kept in the hospital until
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.
Funnier than fiction submitted by Jean
I had to laugh when I read some of the entries. I thought I would share mine.
A few days after surgery I was feeling tired and told my husband I wanted to lay down for awhile and watch a movie in the bedroom. I went in the living room picked out a movie, the bedroom was kind of dark and tried to get the movie into this box, it would not go in, I couldn't even find the slot where the movie went in, but I kept on trying. Finally out of frustration, I called my husband to help, he took one look and said, "Whoa Jean.... good drugs you're on!" I was trying to put the VCR tape in the cable box! To top it off we never had a VCR in the bedroom! I really don't know why I thought I could do this. My husband suggested Basic Electronics 101 would help me know the difference between a cable box and a VCR. A few days later, it was my grandma's birthday, I still had my drainage tube in under my arm, my husband, cleared out the tube for me and put on a clean dressing, we jumped in the car and headed for the birthday party. Well, I'm not comfortable, and I'm definitely getting b###ier by the minute, I reach under my sweater and found out the problem. He had half my breast tape plus taped all the way down to my nipple. Well I'm going down the expressway untaping my boob, going "oh yah", because it felt so good to get it off. We get to the party my aunt asked me how I was doing, I said fine now that I got the tape off my nipple! I can now swing and sway. I have this thought that comes to mind, I can just picture a trucker in a truck stop, talking about this crazed women, taking off tape on her boob. I don't want to go there! Keep laughing!
Men's Ego....USS Lincoln
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is the lighthouse. It's your call.
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
It has been said over and over that humor is good for the immune system. We take it one step further and say it is food for the immune system. Ladies send us your jokes or cartoons to build up your immune systems to: firstname.lastname@example.org
We thank Dan Gibson and gibbleguts.com for their special permission to post any of their cartoons on this site. We have been granted special permission by Carl D. Tucker to link to his site for his tri-weekly updates of "curtoon" cartoons whose grandmother was a victim of breast cancer. This is in memory of his grandmother. Likewise, we have been granted special permission by Randy Glasbergen to post one per month of his cartoons on this site. To see more of Randy's cartoons, please visit "Today's cartoons" by Randy Glasbergen. We want to thank the cartoonist Marty Bucella for his permission to link to his daily cartoon on this site.